CELEBRITY APPRENTICE Episode 4

Episode 4 opens with Jennie returning from the boardroom and trying to fake the others into believing both Omarosa and Gene were fired. The fake lasts about 15 seconds before Omarosa waltzes in. I wish Jennie and Oma had kept it up a little longer – no, correct that: a lot longer. Imagine what the others would have said about Oma once they truly believed she was gone. And imagine what Omarosa’s reaction would have been.

Piers’ reaction to the news is succinct. “Gene saved Nely and killed himself.” Actually, Piers, it was Gene who thought he knew what the client needed and refused to even discuss the task with Kodak execs before setting off on a totally wrong path. You should be thanking the fates he wasn’t on your team when his fatal flaw reared its egomaniacal head.

Nely is sorry Gene got fired because, “Maybe Donald Trump doesn’t like me, but Gene certainly does.” Piers, on the other hand, is glad to see Gene go – he considered Gene his biggest competitor. Nice to hear the Brit quote Vince Lombardi, too. Screw King and country – Piers wants to win for the sake of winning, like all good Yanks.

Cut to last week’s Project Manager, Ultimate Fighting champ Tito Ortiz, presenting a check for 20 grand to a stand-in for St. Jude’s Children’s Hospital. The stand-in is Elizabeth, a wizened 9 year old girl with brittle bones and a beautiful, shy, sad smile. I’m reminded of the task in episode 2 and a line about heavyweight champ Lennox Lewis and a puppy being a cute promotional image and wonder if Tito thinks about it, too. Guess not – he calls her smile big and happy.

Trump explains this week’s task. The teams are to sell tickets to the matinee crowd for 8 Broadway shows from booths set up on 42nd Street, for 2 hours exactly. Project Managers are Vince for Hydra and MariLu for Empressario. Each team gets 4 shows and the PMs will have to negotiate which shows go to which teams.

In the Empressario war room MariLu asks Oma to attend the negotiation with her. MariLu makes a call to a producer friend and determines which shows are the hottest tickets. The women seem on top of things and determined to end their 0-3 losing streak. Over at Hydra, Steven and Piers get into a bitch fight before Vince can even get the rules read. The fight is nonsensical and seems staged for the cameras. In any event, Vince picks Lennox to accompany him to the negotiation. Big Pussy’s learned a thing or two about making sure somebody’s got his back when negotiating.

The negotiation for shows is hilarious. We pick it up as MariLu, Oma, Vince and Lennox enter the conference room.

Vince: “You know what’s so great about today’s task? We’re doing something that we all love because we’re in show business.”
He points to MariLu.
Vince: “You’re the negotiator?”
Omarosa: “I’m the negotiator.”
Vince ignores Oma and continues to address MariLu.
Vince: “So you’re the boss.”
He steps toward MariLu, hand extended. I’m waiting for smoke to squirt out of Omarosa’s ears.
MariLu and Vince shake.
Vince: “It’s me and you.”
MariLu: “I’m the boss.”
You can see Omarosa getting wound up. Great move, Vince. This guy understands the one thing Omarosa can’t tolerate is being irrelevant.
Oma: “Vinny, the Kumbaya is over. Let’s get down to business.”
Hey, Oma: do you know you over-use Kumbaya? Vince handles her beautifully.
Vince: “Since we are gentlemen, I’m going to say, pick 2 plays.”
Great move because it calls for a decision from the boss, taking control away from Omarosa, who is getting more desperate by the second.
MariLu: “Pick 2 plays?”
Vince: “Yeah.”
There are small posters for each play on the coffee table.
MariLu: “We’ll take Spring Awakening and we’ll take Hairspray.”
Omarosa nearly knocks MariLu over, grabbing the relevant posters off the table.
Vince: “I won’t give you that.”
Brilliant. He’s just positioned the shows as his to give. God, I wish he hadn’t gotten himself into that situation with the Feds. Tony would have never wound up wacked in front of his family at the restaurant if he’d dumped Silvio and made Big Pussy his consigliore.
The women protest. In a total surprise to Oma, MariLu and me, Vince grabs two show posters off the coffee table so fast the women have to look at what’s left to figure out what he took.
Vince: “I’m happy. I love you.”
The women are dumbstruck. You can see the doubt in their eyes: Did we just get suckered? Cut to Omarosa addressing the camera at some later point in time.
Omarosa: “The negotiation was like playing monopoly with three year olds. It was like Romper Room.”
You are absolutely right, Oma; with you as the three year old and Vince as Miss Julie.
Cut back to the negotiation.
Vince: “Just pick two plays. We’re going to be out of here in five minutes.”
Omarosa: “Calm down, calm down. Negotiation is not rapid fire, Vincent. It’s a slow progression. You’ll learn something from me.”
Oma! Don’t be mean to Vince. That hurts Vincent’s feelings.
She leans into MariLu for a lip-to-ear conference. The guys wait impatiently, even doing a little heckling. The women end their meeting. Omarosa rises and begins to pick up a show poster. The second her fingertips touch the poster Vince and Lennox grab their pick of the remaining three and practically sprint out the door. If they didn’t get exactly what they wanted, they sure made it seem like they did.

MariLu tells Empressario they have 3 of the 4 shows they wanted. The women begin working their black books. Nely tells the camera, “I have a major black book, like Gene has a major black book. And in fact, maybe my black book is maybe even a bit better, because I live in the world of Latinos.” Huh? Meanwhile, over at Hydra Piers has to be content with getting billionaire Richard Branson on the line. Too bad he doesn’t know some Latinos.

Stephen and Piers have more of their bitch fight. Stephen wants to focus on selling tickets from the booth, Piers wants the team to focus on calling in high rollers. “We can’t just rely on high rollers who say they’ll stop by,” Steve insists. Anybody else think one of Steve’s high rollers in an earlier episode was a no show?

Branson agrees to send two flight attendants down with 10 grand. Piers and Stephen have a good laugh about their fight.

The two hours in the ticket booths start. It looks pretty even. Nely, for the second time in this episode, tells the camera that she is a star. The guys have a megaphone out with Steve doing the carny barker bit. Piers is dressed in chain mail, supposedly being King Arthur hawking for Spamalot but looking like Arthur’s squire. Jennie gets a customer with 2 grand cash looking to buy tickets but not knowing which ones to buy and she sends the customer away until they make up their mind. Jennie - 3 words for you. Guess which 3? The first one is your name, the second one is a contraction and third is “fired.”

Some high rolling Latinos stop by and Nely sends them to get a cashier’s check. Are you kidding me? A cashier’s check? If you don’t trust my personal check is good, don’t call for money, Nely.

As the clock winds down both teams are waiting for their highest roller – Bradson’s 2 Virgin Airlines flight attendants and Nely’s Latinos. The Virgins come through, the Latinos are still in line at the bank.

In the boardroom we learn it was close. But horseshoes and artillery bombardments aside, too bad, Empressario. The women lose their 4th in a row, $32,300 to $31,757. Omarosa tries to ridicule Piers for dressing like a clown and Vince rips her a new one, comparing Piers’ unselfishness with his father’s willingness to walk around in a sandwich board when business got slow at the family restaurant. The Donald had a tear in his eye, I swear.

MariLu calls Carol and Jennie back into the boardroom with her, even though it is clear that it is Omarosa’s poison that is preventing Empressario from bonding as a team. Instead, Olympic Women’s Softball gold medalist Jennie is fired (and looks relieved to be going).

Good episode. For all the jock metaphors suits like to employ, you really saw the difference between sports and business. In sports you play to win. In business you play not to be fired.