CELEBRITY APPRENTICE - EPISODE 2

You know, I just realized how many of these celebs are reality TV veterans: Stephen Baldwin, Omarosa, Piers Morgan, Simmons and Nely Galan. That’s over a third of the starting cast, and I may have missed 1 or 2 at that.

Omarosa and Carol Alt return from the boardroom. Before they enter a room where the other contestants, men and women, are waiting, the two make a pact (sounded pretty insincere, to me) to leave what went on in the boardroom in the boardroom.

From the reactions of the waiting celebs it seems the guys have not mentioned to the women that they had access to a closed circuit broadcast of everything that went on during the boardroom brawl that saw nice girl Tiffany Fallon shown the door.

Omarosa tells the others about the pact she and Carol just made. Piers says, “You left it in the boardroom? Oh, I don’t think so,” and that’s enough to get Omarosa to try to bait him. When the veteran tabloid editor doesn’t even break a sweat, Omarosa goes over the top, accusing him of being a drunken alcoholic (he seemed perfectly sober. I guess it was because he was holding a glass of wine. At one point she tells him to tuck in his shirt. It is tucked in. Is this woman a mother?). Her over-reaction offends everyone. Piers tells the camera, “The gobby, self-confident creature we saw in the 1st Apprentice, has been turned into a mutant. I actually feel quite sorry for Omarosa. She’s now mixing it with the big boys and it ain’t going to be pretty.”

We see Baldwin present a check for the $69,000 raised last week to his mother, for a foundation she established to raise money to fight breast cancer. With 4 sons in show biz, she knows you get as close to the center as you can in every public situation. “I want to thank the Donald,” she tells her son, "in person." Yeah – that would be a great Regis and Kelly moment, eh, Mrs. Baldwin? And poor Stevie. “It was me, Mom. Me! I won it for you, not him.”

Cut to the Trump Tower lobby. Trump introduces two suits, one from Macy’s, one from Pedigree Dog Food. The apprentices are to make a thirty second commercial promoting Pedigree’s support for Pet Adoption Month. The groups have to immediately select their Project Manager. Nely Galan, creator of The Swan, is PM for the women and last week’s star, Gene Simmons, is PM for the guys. First Daughter Ivanka and Terry, the dude from Macy’s, will be the watchers. Ivanka, by the way, looks as anorexic as ever but a cup size or several larger than when she first showed up on Season 3.

Upon learning that Simmons is Hydra’s PM, Trump calls the choice “very logical” and, for some odd reason, decides to tease him about his sex life. The Donald leans toward Terry and says, “He’s a real character, this one,” then turns to Gene and, in this weird 8th grade sing song says, “He likes the women though, don’t you Gene?” Disappointed, Donald?

Simmons is calm, patronizing – like someone humoring a child. I like this guy more all the time. I was never a Kiss fan – they were in the same class as the Bay City Rollers among my clique. But this guy is impressing me.

The Empressario war room (and I had it wrong last episode – they are spelling it with an E, which I like for an all-women team). PM Nely leads the group through a typical set of Southern Californian business meeting warm-up exercises; deep breathing, bathing in white light, holding hands, yadda-yadda. Omarosa doesn’t even pretend to participate, sitting quietly at her laptop while the others, in Omarosa words, “stretch and yawn and Kumbaya and meditate… I’m just really not into that existential bullshit.” Yo, Oma: existentialism is about being and nothingness and the ultimate meaninglessness and absurdity of existence. It’s the opposite of what you’re talking about. It’s the anti-Kumbaya.

Empressario meets with Pedigree to find out what they want in their ad. Simmons totally foregoes any talk with the client. He wants to get started filming and editing as soon as possible. He tells us in voice-over, “I made an executive decision. We’re immediately going into the studio. I didn’t want to waste time meeting a Pedigree official. I had to optimize every single second we had.” I love him – he’s the anti-meeting. People still don’t understand the failed assassination of Hitler by members of the general staff had nothing to do with opposition to the Final Solution – he just wouldn’t stop with all the f’ing meetings.

Simmons’ approach doesn’t sit well with the others. They insist on coming up with story ideas. And they do, a simple and effective idea. Baldwin synopsizes it nicely. Drawing an arc through the area as if unveiling a billboard on Times Square, he says, “International championship superstar Lennox Lewis loves animals.” He drops his arm and continues. “If we film him holding a puppy, that’s heartstrings.” They like it, and make him the director.

Ivanka shows up at the Hydra meeting just as they are wrapping up. She looks hot and cool at the same time; Simmons strokes his chin and harrumphs. My god – it’s Tracy and Hepburn meeting angry. Simmons offends Ivanka by refusing to reveal their story idea for fear she will share it with the women of Empressario.

The teams shoot their commercials. The Hydra project is a dog (Simmons) and pony (Baldwin) show. Baldwin thinks Simmons’ insistence on quick decisions and limited discussion will come back to bite him. Over at Empressario it’s also dog (Nely) and pony (MariLu) with the others limited to gopher roles, with Nadia the weakest.

At the editing stage, Empressario has the editing room set up like a seminar, with everybody giving their opinion. Hydra’s PM, on the other hand, will brook no sing-alongs. Baldwin and Simmons kick the other 5 out and pull an all-nighter. The 5 guys go back to the hotel and bitch and moan about how their butts are on the line, too, and they are powerless over the final project. The next morning they show up at the editing suite and find Simmons and Baldwin still working cheerfully and refusing to be interrupted. The others are infuriated.

Nice editing so far. I have no idea who is going to win. I also have no idea who will be fired from Empressario, should the women lose. But I am certain Simmons will be fired if Hydra loses. His teammates will kill him. They may kill him even if they win.

The commercials are shown to the client, ladies first. Nely has built a “multi-platform strategy” for something she calls My True Dog Story. She starts talking about getting web-based connectivity for the client. Around her, her teammates smile and nod along. They even have a radio spot.

I’m thinking, I gotta start paying attention. But I rewound the tape later and, no, I hardly smoke pot at all, alright? And when I do, it’s just like, a nugget, okay? The editors for The Apprentice though, I’m not so sure. This is the first mention of Empressario’s full approach to the task, and the task is over.

Finally they play their commercial and, still, we don’t see more than the first 6 or 7 seconds. Trump and Pedigree like it, though. The suspense mounts.

Hydra’s turn. The Pedigree guy is worried they may have missed the mark by not meeting with him as Empressario did. Simmons’ is unapologetic. Instead, he tries to give them a lesson in the Art of War. Trump isn’t buying the Simmons’ bullshit. Simmons says, “We should be judged on our product.” And he isn’t buying Trump’s.

Like the Empressario ad, we get less then 10 seconds, but it’s a revelation. Trace does the voice-over and sounds like the guy who narrated The Painted Desert and all those other Disney nature documentaries from the 50’s. I got $50 says we hear him as a character in a CGI movie within a year.

There are only 2 characters in the ad; Lennox and a bulldog pup. And they were right – heartstrings. We haven’t seen 5/6ths of the piece, but the 5 Hydra team members who weren’t in the editing room seem mighty relaxed going into the boardroom.

The Donald starts in on Simmons not meeting with the client. Ivanka jumps in with comments on his abrasiveness. My god, she’s yar. She complains about his condescension. Donald asks Omarosa, of all people, what she thinks. Gene knows when to retreat and formally apologizes to Ivanka. This is what their majesties require.

Hydra wins their 2nd straight. Nely calls Carol and Nadia in with her. As before, Carol teams up with the PM and they nail the quieter girl. C'est la guerre.