The Bachelorette 4 - Episode 2

First, a correction to the episode 1 recap: the single parent to a 3 year old son is Jason, a 31 year old account executive living in Kirkland, a Seattle suburb. I incorrectly identified KC barbershop owner, Ron, as the single parent after Ron revealed to DeAhnna that he is divorced. If divorce hasn’t been an issue between DeAhnna and any of the other bachelors, are we to assume Ron is the only one to have been married before? If yes, what went down between Jason and his son’s mother?

Episode 2 starts with a 3 minute recap that itself starts with recap #126 of DeAhanna getting dumped by Bachelor 11. Are we going to have to watch this before every episode? I think they should consider one of those humorous theme songs that explains the premise of the show (and if they could play it over a cartoon, that would be even better).

The 15 bachelors pile out of a grotesquely huge limo and into the bright morning sun. Host Chris is there to greet them in front of the fountain at the entrance to the mansion. The guys are looking casual to sloppy. Chris lays down the rules. And the changes are significant:

-If you go on an individual date and she doesn’t give you a rose, you are eliminated.
-The guys do not live in the mansion; they live in the guest house, where they will sleep in bunk beds and shower outdoors.
-Every week 3 bachelors will spend the week as DeAhnna’s guests, living in the mansion with her.

The first 3 guests are the 3 guys who received 1st impression roses: Texas real estate attorney Jeremy, Colorado-based pro snowboarder Jesse and Binghamton, New York, science teacher Richard. The news that this trio, who has already been singled out by DeAhnna for special recognition, also gets to share living quarters with DeAhnna for the first week sets the others a bit on their heels and it’s clear they are not happy.

The guys arriving at the bunk house is like a Psych 101 audio-video presentation on the heterosexual male and homophobia. Sean, the Martial Arts Master (last week he was a mere Expert, but this week he’s a Master. Where are they hiding the sensei?), sees the bunk beds and you can almost hear him shrink. When he says in voice-over, “I never slept with 12 guys in one room. I want to get up in the mansion. I need to,” he sounds in authentic psychological distress. The shower is outdoors and without walls or any other sort of privacy barrier. Even Graham, former pro basketball player and locker room veteran of hanging out in the presence of other men, tells us he’s not comfortable showering outdoor, “with no curtain, no door, no nothing, the way you came into the world.” Meanwhile, up at the house, DeAhann is showing off her huge shower to her 3 housemates. She points out the shower has 4 shower heads.

The 3 guys from the mansion show up with the day’s date box. Jesse opens it and reads out the names of the 7 guys going on the first group date: Jason, Ryan, Twilley (who I picked to get eliminated last week but who somehow survived), Sean, Paul, Fred, and Richard. When mansion boy Jesse announces that mansion boy Richard will be part of the group date, he tells the bunkhouse boys, “You guys may be going on a date with DeAhnna, but she’s riding home with him.”

That night DeAhnna takes the 7 to the Magic Castle, a private magicians club, from what we are told. Getting there involves a drive down Hollywood Boulevard. We know this because two of the bachelors hang out a window and yell, “hello, Hollywood,” just as if they were would-be celebrities fresh off a bus, come to pursue their dream of stardom, rather than men on a mission to woo the woman of their dreams. And, boy, are they convincing as yahoos. If they weren’t successful business types with only DeAhnna on their mind, they would probably do alright in Hollywood.

The group is shown to a low-ceilinged private room, where they are entertained by a magician. After a few slight of hand bits, the magician places DeAhnna and the man of her choice, Jason, in a box and makes them disappear. They slip out a hidden exit and find themselves in a cozy private room, where they spend some one on one time.

Their conversation is less than scintillating, but then again we all have to go through that, “What’s your favorite food?” stage, I guess. What they don’t talk about is Jason’s son, and I’m a little surprised. She obviously likes him. If he lets things progress with her past a certain point and then tells her he has a 3 year old, it’s going to kill his chances. Do it now, guy, while you can still appear adorable rather then sneaky.

Back at the compound, Jeremy and Jesse have received another date box. They make their way down to the bunkhouse and open it with the remaining bachelors, Ron, Brian, Graham, Eric, Robert and Chris (the Brady Bunch descendant, not the host). The date box contains an invitation to from DeAhnna to Graham; “Let’s head to the shore and get swept away.”

But before that we head back to the crowd at the Magic Castle. Sean gets some one on one time with DeAhnna. The room they retire to contains a trick piano that can be played remotely. The producers elect to use it to interrupt and mock Sean. He holds his temper, but not his irritation. Next up, we get shots of the guys trying to impress DeAhnna with their magic tricks. When it is Twilley’s turn he elects to put on a storytelling display. Unfortunately, he’s making it up as he goes along and winds up boring everybody, which drives him to make up more stuff in an attempt to regain their attention (never a smart move). He comes off desperate and insensitive and I’m again picking this guy to be eliminated by episode’s end.

Tensions surface between Ryan and Twilley while DeAhnna is have some alone time with Richard. Seems Ryan thinks Twilley is on the show to put on a show, not to win DeAhnna’s heart. For a man who’s as overtly Christian as Ryan is, he sure does scowl and judge others a lot.
It’s time for DeAhnna to give out a rose to one of the members of her group date. Ryan tells the camera he’s made his priorities clear (faith, family and football) and if he doesn’t get a rose now, he’s not getting one.

He doesn’t. DeAhnna gives the rose to the easy-going baby of the group, 23 year old Canadian, Paul. He proposes a toast: “After tonight, I think we all believe in magic.” From the expressions on the faces of the other bachelors, they would agree, because they clearly think it’s a freaking miracle DeAhnna gave him a rose.

The next morning starts with Paul braving the outdoor shower, a digital blur stuck to his butt crack. I look forward to more of this open shower concept on the next Bachelor.

Cut to DeAhnna addressing the camera. She tells us how excited she is to be going on a one on one date with Graham, who she finds “unbelievably smokin’ hot.” And she sounds serious about not giving him the rose he must get from her at the end of this date or leave. “If I end today’s date with Graham and I don’t have in my mind what I’ve dreamed up about him and what we can have, I’ll be totally disappointed.” They start the date trying to fly a kite on the beach, and fail miserably. But they laugh it off.

Back at the mansion another date box is opened. DeAhnna will be taking mansion boys Jesse and Jeremy, along with Robert, Ron, Brian and Eric, to Dodger Stadium.

Cut back to the beach. Graham explains he hasn’t had but 1 serious relationship, which scares her. They are sitting around a campfire. He gets her to snuggle, and it looks like she’s reassured by his smokin’ hotness. He gets the rose. And the first kiss.

Back at the house the guys are engaged in guy talk. Ryan lets the others know that he is a virgin. He tells the camera, “I lived my life growing up with the intention to be different from everybody else.” Hell, man: you could have chopped off your little toe and accomplished that.

Jason and Twilley have a heart to heart and Jason advises Twilley to show DeAhnna a more serious side or he’s going to be out of it. Twilley slips away and hides in the bushes near the mansion, waiting for DeAhnna and Graham to return from their date. They do and, after a good night kiss, Graham heads back to the bunkhouse. Twilley then pops out of hiding. Great way to reassure a woman that you’re serious, Twilley. Next time, don’t forget the rope and duct tape. They love that. He pleads his case, such as it is. Good luck.

The guys grill Graham about his date and decide that as the winner of the first kiss, he’s the front runner.

Next morning DeAhnna and her 2nd group date arrive at Dodger Stadium and are greeted by Dodger coach and baseball legend Tommy Lasorda. They start with the guys taking turns trying to sing the national anthem. Har-har. Then they do a 10-pitch each home run derby. By the time they are down to Jeremy and Chris, the final two, only 2 guys have managed to hit 2 homers. Mansion boy Jeremy steps up and smacks 6. Amazing. Former semi-pro baseball player Chris is last up and he wiffs.

Jeremy wins some alone time with DeAhnna and wisely uses it to drop his guard and open up about his private life. Turns out his parents died within 18 months of each other, which gives him a tie to DeAhnna, who was 12 when her mother died of cancer. By the end of the conversation the two of them are hard-bonded. If he gets a rose out of this date, he’ll spend his second week in a row in the mansion. Woinder how the other guys will feel about that?

DeAhnna takes some alone time with some other date members. Eric can’t get off his Greekness. He points out that his brother is Greek. DeAhnna points out that she kind of already guessed that. High school football coach Brian smartly responds to her question about “why is a handsome man like you still single” with the standard “haven’t met the right woman” line. She laps it up. They do love that one.

At the bunkhouse, Jason can’t hold it in anymore and confesses to the guys that he has a son. Could be a bad move; will she hold it against him that he didn’t tell her first? I can easily see someone like self-righteous Ryan (“He’s not told DeAhnna and that’s something she definitely needs to know. It could be a deal breaker.”) telling her before Jason himself gets around to it.

At the stadium, Lasorda gives some advice to DeAhnna. It’s a hilarious scene. “You gotta to have a crystal ball. And when you look in that crystal ball, it’s not what you see now, it’s what you’re gonna see when you get married.” Uh, Tommy; isn’t the whole point of the crystal ball to “not see what you see now”?

DeAhnna considers this twaddle to be “great advice” and proof that Lasorda “knows a lot about relationships.” I want to scream at the both of them, “There’s no such thing as a crystal ball that shows the future. It’s a myth.”

After talking with Tommy, DeAhnna walks across the field, takes Jeremy by the arm and leads him under the stands. She gives Jeremy the rose while the others still on the field watch on the Jumbotron.

It is rose ceremony night. The 12 bunkhouse bachelors troop up to the big house to join Jeremy, Jesse and Richard. Two rose Jeremy says, “Welcome to our house,” which pisses off the others. To tell the truth, though, the only way he can avoid annoying the others at this point would be to pack his bags and leave. Ron goes so far as to confront DeAhnna in front of the others on her choice. Twilley then takes her aside to make one last desperate attempt to convince he’s not desperate. Meantime, Ron continues his confrontational behavior and lays into Jeremy as if it is Jeremy’s fault she gave him the second rose. Rather than escalate the situation while in the middle of it, Jeremy decides to escalate it from outside the blast range. He heads outside, interrupts Twilley and takes DeAhnna for a private chat. The crowd, as they say, goes crazy.

While the guys work themselves into a lather, DeAhnna complains to Jeremy about the others daring to question her decisions. Out on the bench, Jeremy reminds DeAhnna that he said something to her in Italian when they first met. He translates phrase now: “I came here for you. Especially for you.”

If these bachelors don’t start focusing on the prize instead of the competition, this season could be wrapped up pretty soon. Jeremy’s killing them. I know. I was watching my wife’s eyes when Jeremy said the line.

Just before the ceremony DeAhanna walks in on a discussion of who can do the most push-ups. She likes the thought of men competing for her and encourages the men to hold the competition immediately. They oblige. Dark horse Jesse beats them all.

At the rose ceremony that ends the second straight 2 hour episode, Eric the Greek, Chris the Brady and Ryan the Righteous get the boot. They are crushed at being sent to the showers by the likes of Twilley (yeah, I know; that makes me 0-2 in predicting Twilley’s demise) and Jesse. But frankly, I can’t disagree with DeAhnna’s choices.