Survivor Micronesia - Episode 1

The Fans are rowed to the island in a native war boat under raining skies. Jeff introduces the Faves one by one. Phoenix firefighter Joel is excited to see Survivor China’s James.

“He is, up until this season, the toughest and strongest that has ever played this game. I think I can take him.”

This guy is massive - a fullback to James’ wide receiver. James will be quicker than him, but for sheer strength, it looks like the grave digger may have met his match. Biggest round of applause goes to Survivor Fiji’s Yau-Man, at 55 the oldest player in the game by 7 years. Fan Tracy is disgusted to see Jonny Fairplay.

“He’s a pig,” she tells the camera. “I would love just one moment to kick him: one moment to kick him real hard in the shins.”

The skies open up as Jeff gives them their names and buffs. Faves are Malakal, Fans are Airai. The boats to get them to their camps and the maps to lead them there are on another island a couple hundred yards away. Two immunity idols, one for each tribe, are waiting with the boats. These are first tribal council-only idols, meant to get the holder through the first tribal council and useless after that. The water between the islands is 4 – 5 feet deep, so the race to the boats is half run, half swim.

College track star Erik beats Fave Ozzy the Otter to claim first ashore. As the other players come out of the water they scatter, searching for the idols – which are actually hanging in plain sight. Many walk past them and into the trees.

Fairplay is first to grab an idol, but it is hanging off the other tribe’s boat. Yau-Man realizes this and spies the idol hanging off the stern of the Fave boat. Jonny sees it at the same time. He tosses the useless (to him) Fan idol to the sand and the race is on. Yau-Man angles into Jonny, claiming the inside track. Jonny bumps him, stumbles. Yau-Man lunges for the idol as Jonny falls, driving Jonny’s head into the side of the boat. Way better than a kick to the shins.

Poor Jonny is outraged. He would never tackle somebody into the side of a boat for an immunity idol. Right.

Fan Kathy wanders by the immunity idol Jonny dropped, saying aloud, “I have no idea what is going on.” Yau-man yells at her to pick up the thing in the sand at her feet and just like that, she is safe.

Cut to Airai on their beach, introducing themselves to each other. 34 year old aspiring writer Mikey describes some of his tribe-mates for the camera. “We’ve got Big Bird (Kathy), southern princess (Alexis), the incredible Hulk (Joel), Jon Bon Jovi in his prime (Jason), and then we’ve got Queer Eye for the Straight Guy (Chet).”

Kathy loses no time in pointing out to beauty pageant coach Chet that he is a homosexual and clarifying that it doesn’t mean he wants to be a girl. She also asks Tracy if her boobs are real and, upon learning that Tracy has traded God’s gift for man’s fantasy, says, “I’ve never seen implants up close.” I swear I thought she was going to ask Tracy to drop her bikini top so she could have a good look. Jason refers to her as the crazy lady and suggests she’ll be the first Fan to go.

At the Malakal camp the Faves are building a good shelter and gathering food. They are cheerful and work well together. At one point we get a shot of several pulling a rope (100 feet long at least) down from the top branches of a tall tree. How did that get up there? Pavarti can’t take her eyes off James. A nice big clam is found and she feeds him by hand. “She’s one of those sex kitten type girls,” James tells the camera. “And I like those.”

And boy, these veteran cougars are not losing anytime. By nightfall beauty queen Amanda ropes in Ozzy, while James and Pavarti are rolling around in the palm fronds. Hey – no getting the shelter sticky. Other people got to sleep there, too.

The tropical rains return overnight. The Fans didn’t get their shelter built till late. The hurried job can’t stand up to the downpour and they wind up spending the night huddled in the rain. The next morning the Fans are exhausted while over at Malakal the only ones who missed sleep are Pavarti and James, who giggle over it.

We see our first alliance form – Yau-Man, Jonathan, Eliza and Ami. It seems the alliance forms for no reason other than the fact that the 4 happened to be together and out of earshot of the two couples (who the others have quickly labeled threats) at the same time. They see the couples as one 4-person alliance and set their sights on turning the uncommitted Fairplay and Cirie. They decide to go for Fairplay first. Eliza objects but is overruled by the others, who actually think it is better to have a world-famous liar inside the tent pissing out. Idiots.

Cut to Ozzy and Amanda courting Fairplay. “We can get Pavarti and James,” Amanda assures him. Cut to Fairplay telling Alliance 1 that Alliance 2 is after Eliza. Let the games begin.

Yau-Man uses his eyeglasses with a drop of water on the lens as a magnifying glass and starts a fire. They don’t need no stinking flints.

The challenge: assemble thick wooden wheels, put them on a large, heavily built cart, pull the cart over a plank bridge and through an obstacle course, disassemble the wheels and use the pieces to complete a turnstile. Crank the turnstile to raise a flame to some fireworks. First bang wins.

The prize is immunity and a flint.

The Fans kick Fave ass. They don’t even try to manipulate the cart through the obstacle course – they crush the weak bamboo barriers and drag the cart over the rubble, leaving a rather ominous trail for the Faves to follow.
The end of episode one is a Fairplay cheat on the producers. But the fake crying is funny. See, he’s got a girlfriend back home who is 7 months pregnant (sob) with her first child (catch in the throat).

Bullshit. He was doing the show for the stipend the producers offered him and never had any intention of sticking around for 5 more weeks, IMHO. He asks the others to vote him off and they happily comply.