The Celebrity Apprentice - Episode 13

We open with Trump and the kids in the “boardroom.” Dad asks the kids what they think of finalists Piers and Trace. Ivanka and Donny Jr. agree that this, the season finale, will entail a tough decision between two very different but very competent men. Trump breaks the 4th wall and addresses the camera to ask the audience what we think.

The camera pulls back and the boardroom is a set on a familiar stage in front of a familiar live audience. It takes me a sec to place it and when I do I am heartbroken; the Donald doesn’t want to know what you and I think, he wants to know what the Saturday Night Live audience thinks. Evidently they come with the studio. And what’s this I hear? It’s the faceless SNL announcer introducing Trump as the biggest celebrity of them all. John Lennon, not to mention Jesus, might disagree.

The Donald again expresses his love of a good fight and again reminds us of the fight-loving kid on the playground who would wet his pants with excitement as he cheered on both sides. In an effort to top the announcer in the hyperbole sweepstakes, The Donald outdoes himself. Guess where Piers and Trace were before The Celebrity Apprentice? According to Trump, “These two came out the jungle.” The jungle, man. The other 12 would-be apprentices weren’t eliminated; they tried to land on a fraction, man.

We get a recap montage of the entire series to date, including a reminder from the narrator that this was a group of “some of the most successful celebrities in the world.” The recap concludes with a replay of Trump doing the hackneyed set-up of the final competition from last week. “It’s good versus evil. It’s the UK versus the United States.” Given the syntax, he considers the US evil. Join the crowd.

Back live we learn that “we have a room full, absolutely packed, with 14 wonderful killers.” Cut to a shot of 11 of the twelve eliminated apprentices watching the show in a green room with more square footage than the average condo. So it’s not absolutely packed and there aren’t 14 of them. That doesn’t mean they’re not wonderful killers. Okay, smart ass?

After a commercial break Piers talks Andrew Lloyd Webber into donating a couple of tickets to the opening night of the sequel to The Phantom of the Opera (working title, Phantom of the Disco). Webber is surprised to hear from Piers. We know this because there is a camera on him in the Abbey Road Studio in London. Guess he regularly has a TV crew tape him on the phone.

Cut to Trace stacking towels in the green room of the venue where the auction is being held. He’s getting the place ready for the Backstreet Boys. They send him to get black fingernail polish. He gets Lennox to go with him so he doesn’t get beaten up.

Steve works the phone, trying to sell tickets. They need to sell 50. Steve sells 5. What Would Ticketmaster Do?

We watch the auction venue getting prepped:
- Trace’s wife and 2 young daughters show up unexpectedly and you get a sense of the pressure this guy feels when he tears up giving the girls a hug.
- Piers addresses the serving staff. “My simple strategy is get [the guests] drunk as fast as possible.”
- The BSB show up, looking very un-boyish. They need a knee brace and poor Trace has to locate one. These guys can’t afford a doctor?
- Trace addresses the camera. He tells us about what he has gone through and still performed and basically calls the BSB a bunch of wusses. We already knew, Trace. Haven’t you ever listened to their music?

The party begins:
- A gentleman of African descent (Lennox’s entourage?) looking uncomfortable among Piers and Trace’s friends.
- Ronnie Milsap giving Trace a check for $5,000 from the Grand Old Opera.
- Dean Sams from Lonestar (the bar where the upcoming Can You Duet series was taped) giving him a check for twice that.
- An unnamed man in a suit giving him 5Gs cash.
- Piers greets the 20 soldiers he invited down to represent his charity, the Intrepid Fallen Heroes Fund.
- The soundtrack blares out a flourish that sounds like something from a James Bond movie. This signifies the arrival of the Trumps.

The auction begins. Highlights include:
- $18,000 for a book with the autographs of all 40 Super Bowl MVPs.
- Ivanka pays $6,000 for lunch with Trace. Trace tells his wife he might be late.
- $100,000 for tea with the Duchess of York.
- Bye-bye, Trace.
- A night with Sharon and Ozzy Ozbourne. If the bid tops $50,000 it will include a concert. The same guy who bid $100,000 for tea with Fergie pays $100,000 for bats with Ozzy.
- Catch you later.
- A third winning $100,000 bid, this one over the phone from Simon Cowell. He has bought a shopping spree with Ivanka.
- Don’t let the door hit you on the way out.

A taped boardroom segment is next and it is interminable and boring. At least the BSB and their rider get a good raking over the coals. Piers says he wouldn’t have gone through what Trace did (the sweet grass juice, the nail polish, the knee brace, the peanut butter sandwiches with a specific type of peanut butter). “I would have told them to stick it.” When The Donald says they wouldn’t have played if that were the case, Piers shows The Donald want negotiating is all about: “With 20,000,000 viewers? They would have played.”

Cut to a commercial and we’re back in the boardroom. Piers has to defend his methods against criticism from Trace, Stephen, Trump and Ivanka. Trump constantly interrupts people to the point where he’s a distraction. In the end, Trace compliments Piers and vice versa. The Donald promises he will settle this once and for all and we cut to a commercial. When we come back it’s live and Trump brings out Trace and Piers. The other apprentices are introduced minus Gene Simmons (shooting a movie in Japan, where he’s still huge) and Omarosa. Stephen gets the most applause. See, mom? See? They love me, mom.”

Trump introduces Oma with a series of clips of the fights between her and Piers. When she comes out The Donald tells her how lovely she looks. I swear they’ve got something going on the side.

The Donald asks Oma why she doesn’t like Piers. She says it’s because of his poor dental hygiene. Trump asks, “What do you think of her, Piers?” Piers turns to Oma and says, “I’m sorry – what did you say your name was?”

Trump starts with Lennox, then Carol. I realize he is going to ask each one of the 11 what they think of Trace and Piers and go out for a toke. When I get back Gene Simmons is on the line from Japan. He is still miffed that Kodak didn’t offer him the CEO position because he came up with the slogan It’s A Kodak World for the challenge that got him eliminated. Kodak has sent an exec to the set to clear things up. It seems Gene’s inspiration for Kodak came out of the same place his inspiration came from for his Kiss songs – the past. The exec informs Gene that Kodak has had a Kodak World website on the internet for many years. Does Gene admit to unwitting plagiarism? Nope. In fact, he says nothing. When you get busted in front of 20,000,000 viewers, that’s probably wise.

The eliminated apprentices are polled. They want Trace. Now we cut to an extended clip about Trace’s charity, to be followed by Trace performing, to be followed by a clip on Piers’ charity. I decide the producer is right – it is clip time. I find mine and step out to finish the roach.

My timing is perfect. I get back in front of the TV as Trump is announcing The Celebrity Apprentice. He goes against the sentiments of the other apprentices and the crowd and picks Evil Piers over Good Trace. Tough decision my ass. Piers raised more money than all the other apprentices combined.

The Donald uses the sign-off to assert that The Apprentice – which almost folded before trying one last shot with this gimmicky and surprisingly successful celebrity version - will “be around for a long time.” Given how tedious this finale has been, I'm not sure if the sign-off is a promise or a threat.