The Bachelorette 6 -Episode 6

Nicely done. I’m going to start with a complaint but only so I can get it out of the way and have some fun.

Dear Whoever Stitches Things Together (Story Editor? Tape Editor? Director?);
This was the meet-the-family episode. Tons of content, great tear-jerkers, a compelling storyline with the perfect final twist. Wow. Why, then, did you waste the first 9 minutes with recap? You could have done it in 3 and given us 6 more minutes of water-cooler television.
Yours truly,
Knocked Up in Rochester

DeAhnna will be visiting Jesse, Jeremy, Jason and Graham in their hometowns, in that order. Jesse and DeAhnna meet on the Barbie slope of a ski lodge in the Rockies for her introduction to snowboarding. Crystal clear sky, snow covered peaks in the background. They are relaxed, full of energy. They laugh a lot. Afterward they go to his place, a non-descript townhouse in a nice looking neighborhood in the town of Breckenridge, Colorado. The place is frat, but polished and organized. I know – snap out of it. You’re not making any sense. But it is.

Mom and Dad arrive. Dad is wearing a joke ball cap that has a realistic fringe of shoulder-length greasy fake hair, making him look like this dude in The Texas Chain Saw Massacres. DeAhnna doesn’t notice (guess she figures it is an appropriate look for the father of a son with shoulder-length greasy hair). She greets him with a charming, throaty hello and shakes his hand. Mr. Jesse’s dad is disappointed. I think he was hoping for a scream. He takes off the cap and all laugh politely. He looks Presbyterian, severe. As we get to know him we learn he is neither. Following dinner Jesse and he meet for a little father-son.

Jesse says, “Like, my heart beats when I hang around her. Like, my hands sweat when I do. When do my palms sweat, you know what I mean? Like, she makes me feel like I feel like when I go snowboarding. Like when I’m at a contest with, like, 10,000 people, around, you know?”

Ah, gee, Jesse; like, let’s see if we can isolate any similarities between the two situations. Wait a minute – how about this: THEY ARE BOTH COMPETITIONS IN FRONT OF AN AUDIENCE, YOU NINNY.

Does dad alert his son to his total lack of self awareness? “Your momma made my palms sweat,” he says. Oh. Ah, well; at least we know Jesse comes by it naturally.

Jesse and DeAhnna say good-bye to the parents and go for a romantic carriage ride through beautiful downtown Breckenridge. He kisses DeAhnna – finally. I wonder, did the producers have to fly the horse and carriage in? Or do small towns in Colorado commonly have horse and carriage guys hanging out on the main drag, picking up fares?

After a commercial the story continues in Dallas, where Jeremy picks DeAhnna up on his crotch-rocket. They zip around Dallas and end up at his condo. The place is decorated in Swedish modern (also spelled Ikea) that really captures the anal retentive heart of the Scandinavian psyche. His walk-in closet is seriously organized. I half expect DeAhnna to pull a Daisy and start weeping over her Gatsby’s collection of perfectly coordinated shirts.

They go through a scrapbook so she can get to see his deceased parents. Calling Dr. Freud; calling Dr, Freud. DeAhnna is a ringer for Jeremy’s late mother. Cue spooky piano.

Jeremy reads to DeAhnna from the journal he kept during the final days of his mother’s life. It goes on and on and damn Whoever Stitches Things Together will not cut away. I was embarrassed to be watching.

The family – Jeremy’s 3 brothers and one sister-in-law – arrive for dinner. Without parent’s present, DeAhnna seems more hostess than guest. The sister-in-law reveals a big factor in her bonding with her husband was the fact that she lost her mother as well. I never knew that children who have lost parents grow up to bond with other people who lost a parent. Do you guys have, like, secret handshakes and stuff?

Jeremy’s brothers take her aside and the oldest tells her she has to get along with all of them. He makes it sound like a threat.

We leave Dallas for Seattle. Jason takes DeAhnna on the obligatory tour of his hometown. She doesn’t know that the Space Needle is called the Space Needle. Now, I’ll admit it is likely the silliest name ever for an iconic structure, but I am shocked at DeAhnna’s ignorance.

After a meal, they meet Jason’s 3 year old son, Ty, whom Jason has apparently not seen since leaving to be on the show. They meet in a park. Father and son see each other across a field and run to embrace. Jason drops to his knees and the two tumble together. DeAhnna cries, watching. With Jason, the rest of the world will always come second.

After dinner with the family Jason presents Ty with the certificate for the star that DeAhnna has had named after him. She seems to enjoy this family the most of the three so far. When they leave, Ty stays behind (guess he’s staying with his grandparents while his dad has this adventure). The little boy cries and for a moment I think Jason is going to tell DeAhnna he can’t go back to LA. In my mind, he says, “You know who we are and you know where we are. Let us know when you decide.” But he doesn’t.

DeAhnna heads off to North Carolina and Graham. He is relaxed for the first time. DeAhnna has her hands all over him. The chemistry between these two is so strong, seeing them together after seeing her with the other three makes all of the others – Jesse with his fear that he’s not hot enough for her, Jeremy with a perfect world that only needs the perfect woman to make a perfect life, Jason with his heart so full of love for his son that only a truly unselfish woman will be able to find her space in it – seem like they are already ex-boyfriends.

After meeting Graham’s mom and dad the couple sits on a bench in a park-like setting and DeAhnna does that annoying thing women do when they’ve decided they want to own you – she starts bugging him to open up. Christ’s sake, girl – he’s just brought you home to meet the folks and he’s sitting with you in the park, stroking you lovingly. He’s opened up. Your problem is you don’t have anything on him, the way you do with the others. Poor Graham doesn’t know what to say and the home date deteriorates into hurt silences, like all their other dates.

So here’s where I figure we stand. DeAhnna wants Graham, but can’t get comfortable with him because he hasn’t given her some emotional connection she can blackmail him with if he decides to leave her.

We are going to cut to the chase right now.

At the rose ceremony, DeAhnna rejects Graham, then follows him out. They sit on a bench. She is desperate for him to take her in his arms and beg her to never leave him. She tells him, “I am saying good-bye to the one person I thought I was falling in love with.”

Keep walking, Graham. She can’t control you, that’s what this is about. Graham takes out a handwritten sheet of paper. “I knew there were some things I wouldn’t be able to say to you,” he says, handing her the paper. “So, I’d like you to read this. You don’t have to read this. You can throw it away, you can burn it. Do whatever you want with it. What’s in there is for you alone, not for any show, not for any other person. You don’t have to, but it would mean a lot to me if you read that one day.”

He gets in the limo. The camera is on him as the limo pulls away. We see DeAhnna out the back window, reading the paper. In voice over she repeats her mantra, “He wouldn’t open up.” No, DeAhnna: you dumped him because he wouldn’t give you control