The Bachelorette - Episode 8

Nice to be back. Sorry I wasn’t able to recap episode 7 last week, but there was no way I could get it done. The move took forever and we won’t be truly settled-in for weeks yet, but the new neighborhood and neighbors couldn’t be nicer. And boy did it ever feel good to see the sister-in-law from hell in the rearview mirror. If men are from Mars and women are from Venus, where are sisters-in-law from? Uranus.

So Jeremy got sent packing last week, leaving single father Jason and snowboarder Jesse to meet DeAhnna’s family in tonight’s finale. To borrow a concept from the sociologist (which I think they borrowed from the dog show folks), who do you think will present best? Jason, of course; when it comes to family, having a steady job counts for almost everything.

To the end, DeAhnna has positioned herself for a relationship in which she holds the power, which isn’t surprising given that this is The Bachelorette: R-e-b-o-u-n-d. I think it was Somerset Maugham who wrote that in every relationship, one loves and the other permits himself/herself to be loved. In a rebound situation such as this, the previously rejected person is always looking to be loved. The two guys she seemed most capable of falling for herself were Graham and Jeremy and she has rejected them both (though I still maintain her rejection of Graham was a ploy she hoped would prompt him to confess his undying love). This leaves the snow bum and the single father. Whichever one she picks, she has someone who will go straight to the altar if that’s what she wants (giving her the fairytale, highly sponsored, primetime wedding she’s looking for to confirm her worth) without ever having to negotiate with an equal (Jason will do anything to keep a stable home life for his son, while Jesse is pathetically aware that DeAhnna, “is so far out of my league it’s ridiculous.”).

We open with a pensive Jason looking out over the Atlantic from the balcony of his hotel room in the Bahamas. While a highlight reel of his and DeAhnna’s relationship plays on the screen, he confesses the depth of his infatuation. Cut to Jesse, pensive on another balcony, and the entire scene repeats with him in the leading man role. Ho-hum.

Back from commercial we meet DeAhnna’s family. She tells us that they are not going to be the accepting group they were when she brought Womack home. I immediately dislike the group, especially the father. When DeAhnna warns them (them being the father, a sister and a brother) that Jesse is not like anyone she has dated before, Dad asks, “Why do you say that?” DeAhnna says, “He has longer hair.” Dad’s response is, “We’ll have to get that cut.” Moron, fascist, dinosaur, or hair stylist? You choose.

Jason arrives in a monstrous black SUV. Mr. Pappas warns him, “We are going to grill you to death. You’re going to walk out of here glad that you left.” What a tough guy.

Jason charms the sister in their one-on-one. He does even better while out on a golf course with the father, asking for and receiving permission to propose marriage. I guess the editors cut out the actual interrogation. PG-rated and all that.

In a Jason-less confab afterward, Mr. Pappas spills the beans about the marriage proposal and calls Jason, “a gem of a guy.” Shout out to Mr. Pappas: you are supposed to let your future son-in-law break the proposal news.

So we have our winning answer. For all those who picked “moron,” we have some lovely gifts.

Jesse arrives with his long hair shorn. The meeting with the family is awkward. Jesse is nervous, the father is aggressive. In the unlikely event that Jesse and DeAhnna actually end up together, “You’ll have to visit Atlanta often, because if you go off and don’t visit I have a son, I have a nephew who is six-five and 300 pounds, and we will hunt you down.”

And for those who chose “fascist,” there are consolation prizes.

When he leaves the house after 3 hours Jesse thinks he blew it. Personally, I don’t think he stood a chance. DeAhnna has a talk with her father. He makes it clear he likes Jason a lot and Jesse not at all, making a big deal out of Jesse not asking his permission to propose, as Jason did. If family is as important to DeAhnna as she has told us repeatedly for weeks, this show is over.

Next up is a Greek dinner with the extended family (an aunt and uncle, a sister-in-law and two elderly people I assume are grandparents but who go by the unfortunate names Ya-ya and Popoo, join the immediate family from yesterday). Both suitors attend and neither knows the other is coming until they meet at the house. DeAhnna tells the family she can’t make up her mind between the two men and it is the family’s job to grill them and help her figure out who is best.

Jason charms the grandparents. Surprisingly, Jesse seems to draw the sister-in-law into his camp. Jesse meets one-on-one with Mr. Pappas and asks for his blessing. The patriarch gives it grudgingly, and makes it clear Jason has his blessing as well. Then the asshole adds, “For as long as you are with my daughter, you will keep the hair short.”

The guys say their good-byes to the family, both thinking they did okay. Out at the limos Jesse smartly concedes the first DeAhnna good-by to Jason, in Jason’s words, “tricking me,” into leaving the last hug to Jesse.

DeAhnna asks her sisters’ opinion. Sis votes for Jason on the grounds that he is ready to settle down. Sis-in-law votes for Jesse on the grounds that he is the most authentically himself. She also argues that marriage to Jason will fast-forward DeAhanna's life by 5 years she’s never going to get back. She does not scream, “STAY CHILDLESS AS LONG AS YOU CAN!” but the subtext is plain.

We cut to DeAhnna back in the Bahamas, walking the beach alone and raving in voice-over about the good impression both her suitors made on her family. We also learn that Jeremy is on the island and wants to see her. It so should have been Graham – that would have been a last minute twist worth watching. But no, it’s good old Jeremy.

DeAhnna meets Jeremy in her hotel room – just the two of them and the sound and light guys. I simply cannot imagine working through something like this on camera. DeAhnna stands her ground – she loves the other 2 more than she loves him. Jeremy is shattered.

Date with Jess the next day. No surprises. Date with Jason the day after. They swim with sharks. No surprises.

Kiss montage as DeAhnna waxes on and on and on. Cinema Paradiso has nothing to fear.

Jason picking out an engagement ring. Jesse picking out an engagement ring. He identifies the ring (by designer, I believe. DeCouri?) and I wonder if I’ve just witnessed snowboard-boy’s first network product endorsement.

Finally, the final rose ceremony. DeAhnna, in an amazing diaphanous green and blue strapless gown, waits on a raised stone platform beside the sea, flowers all around. Jason arrives first. He drops to one knee. DeAhnna tells him, not so fast. She dumps him, and for the first time we see anger in his eyes.

Long scene of Jason riding in the limousine and feeling sorry for himself in the voice-over. The background out the car window becomes familiar enough to remind one of a bush-rock-tree-bush-rock-tree cartoon layout.

So, surprise! Against the advice of the family that she says means so much to her, DeAhnna chooses 26 year old snowboarder Jesse. Best to them both.