Survivor Gabon Recap Episode 1, Pt. 1 of 2

The contestants of Survivor Gabon: Earth's Last Eden are first seen walking purposefully across a vast grassy, other-worldly African plain. Green to the horizon unbroken by sign of man; elephant and lion and gorilla and wildebeest and water buffalo and hippopotami. The plain, boss! The plain!

The 18, evenly divided between males and females, includes 7 white guys (3 in suit and tie), 6 white females, 2 Latinos, 2 African-Americans, a gay male lawyer and an Asian guy, Ken, who is “the current international champion of Nintendo's Super Smash Brothers Melee video game… Ken has traveled the world and he and his siblings still live at home to help pay the mortgage.”

The tribe comes to a halt in an area scarred by abandoned insect nests that form ridges ten feet high, kind of a miniature golf version of Monumemt National Park. Host Jeff Probst greets the group and selects the oldest man and woman to start picking sides.

The man, 57 year old Bob Cowley, “considers himself a hybrid of Indiana Jones and Robinson Crusoe. He loves the outdoors and is always ready for his next adventure.” This lifestyle is evidently hard on a man. Bob looks 10 years older than he is. A high school physics teacher and professional adventurer, according the CBS bio, “His wide range of jobs span from being a first mate on a research boat for the Smithsonian Institution in Canada to an entomologist for the USDA, to a skunk re-locator, as well as President, Vice President and Chief Negotiator for his local Teacher's Union.” Once the tribe learns of that last dirty little secret, won’t they send him packing? And, shouldn’t it be, “Teachers’ Union”?

The woman is Gillian, a 61 year old retired nurse. Her bio says “This adventurous "granny" can climb and rappel 4,000 foot mountains and swim with the Great Whites.” Oh, really?

If Bob is the patriarch and Gilliam is the matriarch, does that make pa and ma collectively, the triarchs?

Bob papers Gillian’s rock and selects Ace, a 27 year old with a British accent and a shaved head. Bob can’t remember Ace’s name and calls him, with apologies, “Baldy over there.” According to the bio, “Born in New York but raised in London, Ace attended the prestigious Hill House School in Knightsbridge.” His profession, jewelry sales and photographer, could apply to the creepy bearded guy at the flea market who sells metal jewelry that prominently features skulls with sparkly rhinestone eyes. Now that I think of it, that guy’s bald, too….

Gillian selects Crystal. Crystal is 29 year old Crystal Cox, a powerfully built 2004 Olympic Gold Medalist in the 4 X 400 relay.

Ace, saying he thinks a photographer like himself is not of much use without a model, selects Sugar, a 29-year-old pin-up model who works as a waitress in a 50’s diner when she’s not acting and hopes to win enough money to, “get off people’s couches.” I think Sugar probably doesn’t have a hard time finding couch space.

Crystal picks Susie, a 47 year old Iowa hairdresser. “Born into a Mexican immigrant family of crop field workers” and “Tired of working hard and being poor,” Susie has vowed “to devote the rest of her life to her [own] needs,” should she win. A woman after my own heart.

Cut to lawyer Charlie, a gay, single New Yorker. He is one of the men wearing a suit. In voice over and then in a camera face time clip, he says of the choice, “Now we’re playing Stupid Survivor. She’s obviously not athletic. Don’t you want to win immunity?”

Host Jeff says, “Interesting,” in a tone that lets you know he, too, thinks it was a stupid move.

Sugar picks hottie Marcus, a 28 year old physician and Harvard grad. She calls him, “the tall farmer boy.”

Susie picks, Matty, whom she refers to as “surfer dude.” When asked if he likes his tribe Matty laughs uncertainly and says, “I’ve got 3 moms.” One of the women is the same age he is. Matty has spent the inheritance he got from his grandparents when he was 18 and now works as a personal trainer in Pacific Palisades, CA. I’m thinking he’s got a Peter Pan syndrome thing happening.

Well written TV bios read like excerpts from The Snows of Kilimanjaro. And with “surfer dude” this group just set the record for Survivor cast with the worst short term memory. Nobody can remember anybody else’s name.

Marcus selects “the guy with the suit.” He could and possible should have added, “…batting his eyes at me.” Charlie, the gay lawyer, runs across the African plain to embrace his doctor, hearts, flowers and twittering blue birds circling his head. As he runs he tosses his hair and giggles. You cannot believe this man is a lawyer. You cannot believe this lawyer is a man.

Marcus later tells us he’s straight, but he thinks Charlie would make a great alliance partner. Sure, until he figures out you’re toying with him. You think there’s no fury like a woman scorned, Marcus, wait till Charlie figures out you aren’t interested in ever spooning with him. And a lawyer to boot. He will fuck you up, Marcus.

Matty picks “The guy with the flowered shirt.” Randy is a 49 year old wedding videographer and Gary Busey look-a-like, right down to the grey-blonde hair and the blinding big teeth.

Charlie picks Paloma, the 24 year old daughter of Chilean missionaries. Check this bio out: “One day, on a whim, she decided to leave everything behind and move to Kenya…alone, without any group or organization. She lived among the natives and wild animals for three months without any support from family and friends or any modern conveniences. After witnessing the people's suffering first-hand, she says it changed her life and she's certain she'll go back and help change their lives. Soto-Castillo is motivated to win SURVIVOR so she can open an orphanage or elementary school for the children of Kenya.”

Yeah – screw the Gabonese. Use the money to strengthen the children of their much feared and hated traditional enemies, the Kenyans. Curse your damn empires!

Randy picks Dan, a single 32 year old Boston lawyer.

Paloma picks Kelly. Highlights from her bio: “This fashionista can be found at the gym at least five times a week and is skilled in kickboxing, yoga and Pilates…. Sales manager at one of the top retail boutiques in Chicago, she claims she is a hell of a salesperson and can talk anyone into anything." With a chest like hers, I wouldn’t be at all surprised.

Dan picks 26 year old maintenance supervisor GC, who informs the others his real name is Danny but they can call him GC or G-Sizzle.

That disturbance you folks in the Northwest are having isn’t a swarm of small earthquakes; it’s Danny’s friends in Portland rolling on the floor, laughing. G-what? Danny said to call him G-whaaaaaat? Are you fucking kidding me?

Swarm is the correct term for a group of related earthquakes, like herd for cattle, exultation for larks and murder for crows.

Kelly picks “the other blonde.” That would be Jacquie, a 25 year old medical saleswoman with a background in athletics.

GC picks video game champion Ken, or “The big homie with all the game,” as he is known to his fellow memory-impaired contestants.

Jacquie picks “The girl in the suit.” The suit is on Corinne, a self described “bitch;” a pretty, single, LA career woman staring down both barrels of 30.

Michelle is the last one, another pretty, single LA woman. At 24, she is where Corinne wants to be. She is a music production assistant. Do people in LA actually apply for full time, salaried jobs with titles like that?

Jeff distributes the buffs and the tribe names. The team started by Gillian is Fang. Great name if the word wasn’t pronounced Fong. Sounds like a hairlip woman ordering sexy underwear. Bob’s team is Kota (many colors).

Fang: Gillian, Crystal, Susie, Matty, Randy, Dan, GC, Kim, Michelle
Kota: Bob, Ace, Sugar, Kelly, Marcus, Charlie, Paloma, Corinne, Jacquie.

Immediately on to the first challenge. Contestants must race to a steep hill face, almost a cliff, but of crumbly soil, not rock. At the top of the hill are tribe flags (Red for Fong, Yellow for Kota (many colors, in case you didn’t get it the first time) above similarly colored tarps. On 2 tables beside the tarps is an individual immunity idol. On the ground surrounding the tables are the essentials each tribe will start with, including a bag of rice. There is also one bag of corn and beans. First player up the hill from each tribe gets immunity. First team to get all players up the hill and onto the tarp gets the extra food.

Gillian and Randy quickly fall behind. Matty and Dan go back to help, but what are they going to do, carry them? GC from Fang and Marcus from Kota are first on the hill. Bob and Ace go back to help Paloma up the slope. Marcus gets the first idol while GC, the closest person from Fang, is still making his way up the slope. Last person picked, Michelle, scrambling like somebody with something to prove, gives him a run for it. In voice over Michelle says, “I really don’t think the Fang tribe is that smart. I was the last one picked and I was the first woman up here, so they can kiss my ass.”

One would think she would be pissed at Kota, who relegated her to chosen-by-default status when they selected the girl in the suit, Corinne.

As the other contestants make their way up the slope, Olympic gold medalist Crystal and Gillian lag far behind, despite help from the men on their trib. Kota wins the extra food. Jeff tells Fang, “If that was any indicator, this is going to be a long run for you guys, `cause that wasn`t even close.

The tribes are given maps and set off to their camps. The camps are on the high ground surrounding a large lake. Lots of shots of wildlife in the area; elephants, wildebeests, hippos. The camps have a couple of broken down shelters that the tribe members set about restoring. At Kota Bob shines, using the camping skills he has developed over years of summer camping in Maine. With the exception of the season when that fireman guy won it all, competency is the kiss of death on Survivor, Bob.

Bob gets some face time with the camera in a cutaway. When last seen, his clothes were dusty and dirty. In the cutaway the khakis have been cleaned and pressed. His pale yellow dress shirt is immaculate, as is the nicely chosen darker yellow bowtie. He is sitting beside a lake in Africa. His grey hair is parted down the middle in a style not seen outside of comedy clubs since the Little Rascals went off the air, but evidently still popular with the high school physics teacher set.

Is anybody keeping track of the stereotypes? Or are they archetypes when they’re this blatant?

A shot of a stampeding herd of wild pigs.

At Fang, Gillian, who, like Ace, was raised in Britain, gives the troops a rousing stiff-upper-lip speech about how some people (not those who spent most of the afternoon having their wrinkled old asses manhandled up a hillside by a strong young stud, but some people) thought the tribe wasn’t very good, but she thinks they are “awesome.” She ends by telling the tribe an African word for fierce, which she pronounces bue-ka-li, with the accent and an octave added to the last syllable so it is yipped more than said. All things considered, the word sounds more like a whiny drunk calling across the street to Buekali, the friend who took his car keys – Buekaliiiiiiii – than a 1-2-3-battle cry.

Gillian rubs the others the wrong way right from the start. “She’s so busy trying to look busy she’s not accomplishing crap,” according to wedding videographer Randy. The woman can’t help it. After 41 years as a nurse, she doesn’t know how to speak like anything but a nurse: a cheerful robot with a limited vocabulary and no off switch.

Ken tells the camera that being a professional gamer, he gets stereotyped as a shut-in loner and nerd. Cut to Ken and Michelle poking over a termite nest, Ken daring her to eat one. She giggles coquettishly. They act like grade schoolers and it’s sweet. She is wearing a sports bra, her buff as shorts and knee high red socks. She is soooo Lolita-hot. Cut to 22 year old Ken, smitten, telling the camera he hasn’t kissed a girl since high school, “4 or 5 years ago…. I’m single, she’s single. You never know. A romance could start.”

Ace tries to organize the building of a latrine, offending Paloma. Cut to Ace telling us he considers himself the full package – a physical competitor and a mental competitor. I’m not surprised. He has a Jeremy Irons vibe that makes me think he will place near or at the top in the competition for most mental survivor.

Lawyer Charlie and Marcus get a moment alone and agree to form an alliance with the immediate plan being to lay low and let natural born leader Ace dig his own grave. Cut to Charlie telling us that he has felt that he and Marcus have shared a connection from the moment he first looked into Marcus’ “deep, blue, beautiful eyes.”

Cut to Marcus telling us that, smart and handsome as Charlie is, “that’s not really the way I roll.” Is there an undercurrent here? I’m not saying it wasn’t a particularly strong assertion of ones masculinity; I’m saying it was unambiguously ambiguous.

Nightime. Fang is being kept awake by a roaring elephant, “thirty yards from our camp.” Randy pokes his head into a sharp stick in the darkness and the medical team is summoned and he gets stitched up. The bandage includes a gauze turban covering his head. Looks like overkill to me.

Day 2.

Morning. Fang is getting up. It’s cold and Michelle complains the loudest. In voice over she complains about being on a tribe of dorks instead of over with the beautiful people on Kota. Speaking of which, over at Kota Ace leads 4 of the beautiful women through some morning Tia Chi to center their chakras for the upcoming challenge. Bob and Paloma don’t participate. Paloma watches and sniggers from inside the hut.

Challenge time. Six tribe members are belted together. They race across a narrow swamp, through an obstacle course, to a sand pit where they must dig up 3 bags of puzzle pieces. They bring the bags to the puzzle table, where the remaining 3 tribe members must assemble it. First tribe to finish wins immunity and a flint.

Palome, Sugar and Bob are the puzzle solvers for Kota, Susie, Gillian and Randy are up for Fang. The runners make it across the swamp neck and neck. Fong takes a lead coming out of the net barrier but by the time they get to the sand pit it’s even again. Kota gets its 3 bags of puzzle pieces out while Fong is still looking for number 2. At the puzzle table, Bob is a freaking whiz (of course). He takes charge and Kota wins before Fang’s pieces never see the light of day. A second blow-out.

Back at camp Matty, Dan, Randy and Susie have a pow-wow. Matty wants to vote out Michelle on account of her negative attitude. With Gillian a clear liability in physical challenges and Michelle a plus, it’s an auduable choice, which Dan attempts to point out. But Matty is dug in on this one and it makes me wonder if he’s got something going with Gillian.

Jeff rubs their collective nose in their losses. Michelle jumps right in, ripping away at her teammates. Somebody shoot her and put her out of her misery. Her torch is fluttering. Next they talk about the team’s lack of a leader. Jeff railroads wide-eyed GC into the position. The poor guy is stunned. What the hell just happened, huh, GC?

Six votes make it out of the urn. By a vote of 5 to 1, Michelle is the first person (and possibly the most tactless, clueless Survivor ever) voted out of Survivor Gabon.