SURVIVOR GABON: Ep. 6

Try as I might, I have not been able to generate much interest in Survivor: Gabon other than a raging sexual obsession with pin-up girl Sugar (sooo nice to see a soft female body. I’ve had my fill of hard bodied women who look like what Tom Wolfe calls, “boys with breasts.” I might hire Sara Connor to fix my retaining wall, but I wouldn’t want to date her). Last week’s double elimination ceremonies, one of which resulted in the blindsiding of Ace, who thought he was playing Sugar only to find out it was he who was being played, was the high point so far. Today I am happy to report that last night’s episode included another twist: one that has cranked my interest back up for the time being. Let’s hope this plays out better than the previous tribal re-org.

Kota: Night 21.

The tribe returns from TC. Vile Randy shows us his softer side, mourning the lose of ally Dan. I’ve finally put my finger on who it is that His Vileness puts me in mind of. Back in the day, I shared the bill a few times with semenal (that’s how they spelled it on their posters) Toronto punk band Nazi Dog and the Viletones. Randy, with his permanent piggy scowl and his relentless haranguing, is the kind of man I imagine Nazi grew to be (either Randy or a bitter, eternally untenured freshman English prof).

The tribe discusses strategy for the merge, which they think is coming up in the next “couple of days.” At 6 against 4 they want to feel confident going in that they can pick off the remaining Fang members. Problem is: they don’t trust Suzie to stay loyal. They confront her and she plays along, but tells the camera she feels she has the power – and as a possible swing vote to even up a merged tribe at 5 on 5, she may well be right.

Fang: Same time.

The tribe has one of the frankest talks I’ve ever seen regarding who is out for whom. Matty was as blindsided as Ace by Ace’s eviction and now stands exposed, all on his own and known to be willing to vote off Crystal (who he and Ace voted to evict.). Like everybody else in both tribes, he is expecting a merge.

So here’s where it stands:
Fang: Kenny, Crystal and Sugar, with Matty on the outside.
Kota: Marcus, Charlie Corinne and Randy, with Bob thinking he’s on the inside and Suzie, knife in hand, looking for a back.

Day 22

The tree mail comes and is worded in a way that all but says a merge is about to occur. The tribes bring their belongings to a promised feast on the beach. The tribes arrive together and greet one another like old friends. On the table, laden with enough food to feed a village, is a box that is not to be opened until the feast is over. The tribe members agree that that will be a while.

Under one of the serving bowls is a note, with just a couple words visible on a small corner sticking out from under the bowl. One of the words is “immunity.” Kenny spies it first, reads the word and tries to play it cool. Charlie notices Kenny staring at the table and sees the note as well. He grabs it, Kenny grabs it and Charlie jerks it away. Charlie reads it and decides the contents of the note should become common knowledge.

YOU HAVE JUST DISCOVERED A CLUE TO ANOTHER HIDDEN IMMUNITY IDOL. DO YOU KEEP IT SECRET OR SHARE? EITHER WAY, YOU MUST FIND IT BEFORE YOUR DAY AT THE BEACH IS OVER…

ON THE SAND LIES A LARGE DEAD LOG
CRADLED IN THE CROOK OF A TREE
BENEATH BENEATH THE END OF THE TREE’S LOWEST BRANCH
YOU CAN DIG FOR IMMUNITY

The survivors respond not with a mad rush to find the idol, but with a discussion. Now I understand why this season is so not compelling. Everybody’s a schemer. Why did Kenny let Charlie snatch the immunity clue out of his hand instead of bending his fingers back till he cried? Why didn’t Charlie take off running, clue in hand? This is freakin’ Survivor, guys. This is for a million dollars. Not a one of you has the balls to take off and get to the clue first? Smarts and finesse are fine, but so is some athletic competitiveness, some caveat emptor, ya know?

So what do they do? They dig it up as a group, tie it to an empty bottle, wade out into the ocean and throw the thing out to sea. Pathetic. What a bunch of wusses. The problem with this season is too many lawyers, doctors, physics teachers and Olympic atheletes. What this show needs are poorer, more desperate players.

The twist is that there is no merge. The contestants pick numbers from a bag. Evens are Kota, odd are Fang. Kota is Kota members Bob, Marcus and Suzie with Fang members Crystal and Kenny. Fang is Matty and Sugar with now ex-Kota members Corinne, Charlie and Randy.

As the new tribes head back to their respective camps, we get a shot of the bottle to which the idol is tied, bobbing on the waves. If it drifts back to shore, will it be found?

Challenge time.

All members have to balance a long tube on the top of each hand. Last one to lose their tube wins immunity for their entire tribe.

Olympic gold medalist Crystal continues to be the biggest disappointment of the show, losing her tubes within seconds. Eventually it comes down to Bob and Matty. Matty grits it out an finally Fang wins a challenge.

Back at camp Marcus approaches Crystal and schemes to get her to join him and Bob and vote out Kenny, with Suzie going next should they return to tribal council before a merge. Crystal plays along, having no intention of selling out her only ally. She lets Kenny in on what’s up, gets some quiet time with Suzie, lets Suzie know Marcus has offered to throw her under the bus, and engineers Marcus’ eviction. The man was too smart by half.

And way to go, Crystal. Maybe there' some game in the girl yet. Next week will be interesting.